I am pacing. I am a pacer, the bigger the room the better. I am waiting
for a phone call after the doctor's visit. It's family and it's personal and it
counts. I do breathing exercises. Dr. Oz taught me how, you take a breath hold
it and let it release. It works great when I am not nervous or upset. Not so
well when I need it to work. Control your breathing, slow your heart
rate.
I'll do exercises, stretches, lunges light weights. My body obeys my mind
is elsewhere, my mind is on the phone that does not ring. I hope I do not sprain
anything. Maybe this is not a good idea. Old movies, I will watch something
engaging , something light. My favorite old musicals, or Star trek, or Lord of
the Rings, comfort movies. Can I find Moonstruck, Cher will understand. GiGi
Paris, 1900., Gypsy, and mamma Rose. I stare at the screen. I have my own
worries, no patience for the movies today.
When is the call coming? Where is the news? Hot herbal tea, with
honey that is what I need. It tastes bitter, not what I want. My friends have
suggested I take up drinking. I agree- but not today, maybe not ever. So I
wait, I pray a little. I ask for help to be a more patient person, a better
person, less emotional, more logical. Help me , please make everything right.
Fear, prayer, tears... a perfect fit. Stress will kill you, ask any
mother.
You can try to train yourself to go into deep breathing immediately at the first sign of concern or stress so that it becomes automatic, but at best, in a fully stressed out situation, the effect will be to lessen an already over-the-top body response into bad mode instead of hideous mode. Too often I have found that the scarier the possibilities, the longer it takes to get results from the doctor. You have to self-hypnotize into total denial that there is any problem, wipe it from your conscious mind, and fill your days and nights up with loud and all-consuming busy stuff because there is nothing you can do to rush the news, quiet the squirrels in your brain, or subdue the battalions in your digestive track. Some songs are my go-to ammunition. I've been there and know first hand the agony of waiting.
ReplyDeleteThen, I know how one test can lead to another and another, before you find out what is going on, if ever. When I was a junior in high school, I was lucky that my awful mystery illness went away after 46 days and no revelations of what it was. Even better, it never came back.
Meanwhile, we all should take up pacing. It's really walking and has a number of health benefits. So why not?
I hope that you already got your answers and that they were all the best news that you could hope for.
Love,
Barbara